Online Host: Hello everyone! Happy Friday night to you -- glad you're here! We'll be joined in just a few minutes by Dave Barry - the "Master of the Mouse," "The Wizard of Windows," and the "Duke of DOS!" He'll take us on a virtual tour behind the scenes of his hilarious new book called, "Dave Barry In Cyberspace." Send questions to Dave using the INTERACT icon!
Online Host: Fasten your mouse pads and raise your laptops to the upright position for a journey tonight on the Information Superhighway - and we've got Dave Barry at the wheel! In his new book, "Dave Barry In Cyberspace," Barry takes us on a tour of the digital frontier to show how anyone with enough skills, guts, and pure adrenaline can locate ANY computer's "ON" switch!
Online Host: Dave Barry was born in Armonk, NY in 1947 and has been steadily growing older ever since, without ever actually reaching maturity. In 1988, he won the Pulitzer Prize, pending a recount. He works at the Miami Herald and his column appears in several hundred newspapers, yet another indication of the worsening drug crisis. He's here folks!
Welcome Dave Barry!
Question: Hey Dave - What is your humorous remedy for jet lag? Help -- HE has it and I'M around him!
Dave Barry: Well, I personally use beer, but this doesn't work for everybody. Pilots, for example.
Question: Hey, Dave! I miss reading about your two dogs--Ernest and (emergency back-up) Zippy. (Is that the right order?) Are they still throwing up on your oriental?
Dave Barry: I no longer live with E&Z, but I see them regularly, and they have not gained one IQ point.
Question: Loved "Dave Barry in Cyberspace!" I was intrigued by the story of Ms. Potato and RayAdverb...especially the reference in the dedication of the book. How are they doing?
Dave Barry: Well, they're fictional, so they can be doing WHATEVER I WANT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Question: What is your favorite web page?
Dave Barry: Really like the one on how to curse in Swedish.
Question: Hi, Dave. I used to live in Moscow and my friend who lived in Washington would mail us your column out of the Post Sunday magazine. My friend has moved, I have moved, and so now my friends are deprived. What is the chance of you getting syndicated in The Moscow Times? It's an English language newspaper that comes out Tuesday - Saturday.
Dave Barry: I think Russia is already in desperate enough shape.
Question: Hi Dave! There is a female "humor" columnist who writes for a paper near me, and she rips you off ALL the time... uses your exact jokes... do people (fans) send you columns like this very often?
Dave Barry: I will have her killed. Thank you.
Question: Hi Dave! What's the deal with Dave's World? They use material from one of your books and make a show about it? Do you really have wacky friends like Shadoe Stevens??
Dave Barry: I don't write the show; I do have wacky friends, but with WAY less hair than Shadoe.
Question: Dave - why is it people online to see YOU....are truly sick individuals?????? Just wondering-great column today.
Dave Barry: Thanks. You said it, actually; it's a sickness.
Question: Is there any chance that the Rock Bottom Remainders will get together and go on tour again?
Dave Barry: We broke up, officially; some of us will be playing 11/23 at the Miami Book Fair. But, bear in mind that we are still really awful.
Question: Dave, in your columns, you indicate that readers send you articles from newspapers, etc. Are they real (real names) or do you make up names and stories? Thanks! Love your work!!
Dave Barry: Thanks. Whenever I cite an "alert reader", he or she is real.
Question: What made you write "Dave Barry in Cyberspace"?
Dave Barry: A sincere desire to fulfill the terms of my contract. Also I wanted to write off my AOL bill.
Question: What else can you tell us about AdultDex?
Dave Barry: AdultDex is the X-rated computer show; I can't tell you ANYTHING here.
Question: Dave, is Kinky Friedman really your favorite author?
Dave Barry: No, but he cornered me once when he was playing with the Remainders. A MADMAN! He FORCED US to write book blurbs for him. FORCED BLURBING!!!!
Question: How much of the real Dave Barry is in the TV show DAVE'S WORLD??
Dave Barry: Not a whole lot, to be honest; I like the show, and like Harry Anderson, but it's not my life.
Question: Dear Dave: Do you think Shaq is worth $120 million?
Dave Barry: No.
Question: Do you think the ANTICHRIST is in most computers?? Sonya in Pidgeon Forge told me he/she is.
Dave Barry: Of course! How else do you explain Windows 95?
Question: Dear Mr. Computer Expert Person: My daughter and I think "Dave Barry in Cyberspace" is your funniest book yet. May we have directions to your home planet, preferably in English? Thank you. (And thanks for all the laughter, too.)
Dave Barry: Sounds like you're already here.
Question: Dave, what do you think of us people sitting out here on a Friday night who just spent forty hours this week working at a job behind a computer already?
Dave Barry: WE HAVE NO LIVES!!!! NONE OF US!!!!!!!!
Question: I need to know more about making sounds online. Please advise.
Dave Barry: You need to hit your computer with a hammer (this only works once).
Question: Do you think I'm a dork or a nerd because I'm on the Internet right this very second????
Dave Barry: Yes.
Dave Barry: Me, too.
Question: I think you and I were at Pleasantville high school at the same time. What class were you in?
Dave Barry: 1965. During the Civil War.
Question: Dave, can I have one of your dead mice for a lovely parting gift?
Dave Barry: Absolutely. Download NOW.
Question: Dave, have you learned to love opera?
Dave Barry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
Dave Barry: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Question: Do you feel safe with Clinton in office???
Dave Barry: Not when he's in MY office, no.
Question: Dave, any movie plans from your books?
Dave Barry: Starring Mel Gibson as me, right?
Question: Dave, a headline in last night's Lancaster, PA New Era read, "Lawyers try to tie shoes, glove to O.J." My question is: Do law schools give out merit badges in knot tying?
Dave Barry: Maybe they could also tie an anvil to him and drop him in the...no, never mind.
Question: What kind of computer(s) do you have, what's the most recent one that you bought?
Dave Barry: Right now the only one I used is a Toshiba laptop -- Portege, 79 million things of RAM.
Question: Are you currently drunk?
Dave Barry: oF COuRsh NoT
Question: How often do you get to go online?
Dave Barry: Like this? Not often. Lurking incognito? A LOT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. THE SHADOW KNOWS!!!!
Question: Hey Dave....I am being rude...but oh well.... have ya ever had cyber sex on this thing?
Dave Barry: No. Never could figure out where to put the condom.
Question: Dave, you are a funny guy. Has becoming computer literate helped you make more sentences containing the word "booger"?
Dave Barry: Yes, because I can do it automatically booger booger booger booger booger.
Question: Are your comebacks spontaneous or do you have a really big book sitting in front of you?
Dave Barry: I have a staff of thousands here. I myself merely drink latte and whip them.
Question: Do you still play in the bank with Stephen King?
Dave Barry: I play in the bank with him, but he keeps all the money.
Dave Barry: No, assuming you mean "band," yes.
Question: When is your column about TV commercials due to be published? Can you give us a hint about what is the most despised TV ad?
Dave Barry: I apologize for taking so long, but I got TH0USANDS of responses, and then went away on a book tour; haven't started tackling it yet. But people HATE car ads.
Question: Dave, I just turned 40 yesterday. This year has been the worst. Is there any hope? How do I make it through the next 40?
Dave Barry: Beer.
Question: Where is the Swedish cursing page???
Dave Barry: It's in my Cyberspace book, which is AVAILABLE FOR SALE...but I'll try to dig up the address here.
Dave Barry: www.bart.nl/~sante/enginvek.html
Question: Dave, did you or DID YOU NOT get a big, poofy hairdo for tonight's show. The people MUST know!
Dave Barry: Oh yes. A HUGE hairdo, and this GORGEOUS gown.
Question: Dave, why did you write this article about men's brains shrinking? I've taken such abuse from my girlfriend about it
Dave Barry: I don't remember anything about it.
Question: What do you do when your ears won't pop? I really need to know. Now.
Dave Barry: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Question: Are you going to be doing a book signing tour, if so will you be at Liberties in Boca?
Dave Barry: I just finished three weeks on the road... didn't get to Liberties, but seems like I DID get everywhere else in the immediate solar system.
Question: We here in Nebraska think that David Letterman has overrun the state with Wahoo being his home office. Why don't you have an unfortunate rural town to call your home office, too?
Dave Barry: I do! Miami!
Question: Dave, what happened to the other 4 members of the Dave Clark 5?
Dave Barry: Dave ate them.
Question: I really liked your guide to Japan. I'm a Japanese, and I found every bit of it true, but very funny. Are you planning to do another guide to another country, say, like Canada or India? (I'd like to see that!)
Dave Barry: Thanks. The one I really want to do is Australia.
Question: Congratulations on being the funniest writer alive. I'm wondering -- what do you read when you want a laugh?
Dave Barry: Chat rooms.
Question: Dave: my wife says she's going to leave me for you. Where does she go?
Dave Barry: Chat rooms.
Question: Dave, have you ever been attacked by farm animals?
Dave Barry: Yes, really, a chicken once. Do you have ANY IDEA how humiliating it is to be running in desperate fear away from a CHICKEN??
Question: Has your son forgiven you for picking him up in the Weener Mobile yet?
Dave Barry: No. But it was worth it.
Question: Dave! I am currently reading all of your books -- see, I don't have a life. I think they're great. I love your sense of humor. I was wondering why you pick Oct. 8 as a date for any event. It's my birthday, so I find it quite funny.
Dave Barry: I picked it because it's my son's birthday.
Question: Dave, what words of wisdom should I give my small nieces?
Dave Barry: "Floss."
Question: Why didn't you read audio of "Guide to Guys" yourself?
Dave Barry: I really don't like doing the audio books... you stand in this little booth ALL DAY with about 10 people watching you read, and if you make ONE MISTAKE they make you eat a live goat.
Dave Barry: No, really, do it over.
Question: Dave, what's your explanation for the crop circles?
Dave Barry: I blame George Steinbrenner.
Question: Do you ever play Federation? Isn't it addictive?
Dave Barry: I haven't but I know somebody who does, and it is ALL he does -- worse than crack.
Question: Dave, did you ever find the "any" key??
Dave Barry: Yes, and I hit it.
Question: Dave, how come I only get your column once a week????
Dave Barry: Because I only write it once a week. But you can READ it every day, if you want.
Question: How did you win a Pulitzer Prize anyway?
Dave Barry: I cheated.
Question: Can I get you to cyber-autograph your book for me?
Dave Barry: Sure. "Your close personal friend, Dave Barry"
Question: Dave, how much RAM are ya packin' these days? ;)
Dave Barry: TONS of RAM. MORE RAM THAN ANYBODY IN THE WORLD. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Question: Do you think you would be as funny if you lived in a normal city?
Dave Barry: I don't know. I would probably NOT be as heavily armed, however.
Question: How do you think Pat Riley and the Miami Heat will do this season? And have you ever considered using Riley's barber?
Dave Barry: Pat doesn't have a barber. He just goes to Jiffy Lube.
Question: Dave how do we know this is really you...identifying marks???
Dave Barry: Here's a sample of my DNA: #$%^$%*&%*^&*^&*^*^&*
Question: Dave, I recently read your "virtual love story" that appeared in this month's New Woman magazine. My question .. how did you find out about what I was doing online????
Dave Barry: THE SHADOW KNOWS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Question: Do you have a web site where we could find Dave's joke of the day to make life worth living?
Dave Barry: No, but we DO have the federal government, which is funnier.
Question: Dave: love you, man. What's your all time favorite column (of yours, that is)?
Dave Barry: Thanks, man. You can have my Bud Light. But I don't have a favorite column.
Question: Dave. Have you ever served in the military?
Dave Barry: No. I was a Boy Scout, briefly. But I never learned Morse code.
Question: Will you ever enter the comic book media?
Dave Barry: You mean, like, as a supremely muscled superhero? Wearing tights? Sure.
Question: Dave, are YOU worth $120 million?
Dave Barry: Heck yes.
Question: As a child, what was your desire to be when you grew up?
Dave Barry: An adult. This, alas, was never to be.
Question: Dave...Do you have any suggestions on teenage dating?
Dave Barry: Well, it would definitely help if you don't look the way I did.
Question: Dave, should I take my clothes out of the dryer before or after the cool, tumble setting?
Dave Barry: We need a massive government program to answer that. Headed by Al Gore.
Question: Dave, have you considered trying your hand at writing a feature film comedy? I think, "and I am not making this up", that you could do a great job.
Dave Barry: Thanks I haven't, although a good friend of mine, Roy Blount Jr., wrote the movie, "Larger Than Life," which is out now, and everybody should go see it 'cause Roy rules.
Question: Are you a Mac or IBM guy?
Dave Barry: IBM, natch. None of those wussy easy-to-use computers for THIS cyberstud.
Question: DAVE!!!!! Are you actually typing answers, or just dictating?
Dave Barry: I'm typig tpyin typoi typing tehm them mylf yes.
Question: Do you think life exists on other planets? Galaxies??
Dave Barry: Yes. There is no other possible explanation for Ross Perot.
Dave Barry: Well, my time is up; thanks everybody. And remember: Whenever life gets tough, just look yourself in the eye and say to yourself: "I need MORE RAM."
Online Host: Thanks for joining us everyone! And thanks so much to Dave Barry for taking time this Friday night to be here with us. Be sure to check out his latest book, "Dave Barry In Cyberspace." We wish you all the best -- have a great weekend everyone! Goodnight from Harpo Studios!
